Perfectly Fine

"So how are you doing?"
"Perfectly fine", I said, flashing a brilliant smile.
Saw a smirk on the face across me and heard "Really?"
"Of course."I flashed that smile once more.
"Oh I see.Are your eyes swollen?"
"Swollen ? No ,No they just appear this way.Lack of sleep I guess."
"And why is that?"
"Oh the usual ,too much work too little time."
"Aah..... that must be the reason for your increasing dark circles also."
"Huh! Ya Ya of course.What else?"
An astute glare and nodding of head.
"So how are you coping ?"
"Coping ? What coping?"
"Coping without Him."
"Oh that. Oh I m fine. Not much time to think about any nonsense."
"So everything under control ?"
"Control? Well never been better." The smile again .
"It was a good thing which He did."
"Huh!! Of course!Of course! His intentions are always good."
"So do you miss .....You know !!"
"Miss...Well hummm..No I don't."
"Really ?"
"Well Yes.... I mean at times yes ...I do miss the talks we had..and there seems to be a certain vacuum ,a void.But then...... and well we must remember his intentions were good."
"Humm.."
"So how is he doing ?"
"Well I hope He is doing good."
"Like you?"
"Well....better than me .Better than me." I said crossing my fingers.

Never Together........Never Apart

They had been walking like this since long.She on this side of the river ,He on the other.There was a companionable and comfortable silence between them. Once or twice she had tried calling him, but the voice never carried. It was like there is a big impenetrable glass wall between them. He may also have tried calling but she never came to know. Whenever their eyes met they gave each other a smile. She waited when he rested and he did the same for her.
At times the river banks narrowed so much so that she felt that if she reached out she could touch him. But she never tried.Don't know why she was hesitant to break this status quo. He also never tried. At times the chasm between them widened so much that the figure on the other side blurred. But she knew they were still walking together.
She liked his profile.His smile was charming. He seemed serious, at times it felt like that he was brooding over some thought and then suddenly he would lift up his head and smile .She smiled back.
The night had descended but they still carried on walking in the moonlight. At last she decided to halt. Seeing her stop he too did the same. She lay down on the grass wondering about him. In the distance she could see some hazy silhouettes. Probably some hills. She fell asleep soon.
Her eyes were hurting. As if someone was showing a big torch on them. She squirmed, trying to squeeze the last vestiges of sleep. Reluctantly she opened up her eyes. The sun was shining on her face. She tried shielding her eyes from that glare and rose up. Suddenly she remembered where she was. She looked expectantly across the river. But saw no sign of him. She frantically looked here and there for some presence ,but he was gone.
She looked and faraway she saw a bridge joining the the two sides of the river.....but now what was the use.....

Just Last Time

She woke up with a start.Her fingers were clutching the bed sheet, her face was covered in thin film of perspiration. She remembered what woke her up. A plethora of images, some vivid ,some blurred ,some real, some distorted.In the end the same voice saying "It's for your own good ".
She tried relaxing.It must be around 4 in the morning she wondered. Had been able to sleep quite late last night. It was still quite dark but she could hear the rain outside. Rains...another flash of images. Once when they were caught while coming back from college classes. He used to drive a bike then. They had taken shelter in a bus stop.She could see his face, hear her laughter. This image quickly replaced by the next one. She was in his car and the rain drops were drumming down the car top. He was out buying something.....
She gave her head a shake. It was these images she had to get rid of. These memories she had to erase."Think about something else" she mentally admonished herself.
'Systematic desensitisation'.She remembered the word from her psychology classes.Can it be utilised in erasing memories, forgetting people.She didn't know.
Wanted her mind to spread before her like a book from which she could just erase the images of him , memories of times with him. Wanted selective amnesia, something through which she just forgets everything about him. "No ,No" ,one part of her mind shrieked.Don't want to erase every part. Want to keep some portions. Some good times. In fact even the bad times. The times when he made her cry, the times when he made her laugh, the times when he irritated her to the extent that she just wanted to wring his neck then and there. She smiled remembering those times.
But then how will she forget? She has to, right? This was supposedly for her own good. Stupid girl doesn't she know what's right for her. Apparently not. Her mind seemed to be split into two both fighting between themselves
She gave up resignedly. Her eyes were heavy again with sleep and then a final image of him. She sighed and decided to start forgetting him from tomorrow. Tonight ....just last time

PURGING MYSELF OF GUILT

Ok so it has happened. One of my nightmares have come true. Mr X has read this blog. I didnt want it to happen except perhaps in my some perverse mode (which comes rarely ok ).So this happened. His mistake entirely. His curiosity got better over him.Well what do they say about eavsdropping...u never hear anyone saying good things about you. Similarly u shd'nt be reading blogs u are not suppossed to.
So well he read it , felt I had painted him in a very negative light. Felt that anyone who reads it would think of him as a scoundrel ( well thats my english version. The word he used was "kamina").And that he himself started feeling guilty after reading it.
Well being typical me, I first fought that he had no right to read my personal blog( that's pretty rich I know coz everyone knows this is a public space ), then went over defending what I write is my concern theory, then felt guilty for putting him through this for no evident mistake of his (his own words these), then felt like deleting this entire thing off and lastly (the mood I'm presently in ) WTF my blog , my space , I'll write whatever I want. Dont want to hurt u intentionally, but dear if u get hurt then the least I can say is that I' m hurting too and much more than you for the past four years.
So for his own good he should stay away from this blog. He asked me why this blog focusses so much on him(something I dont really agree to...I mean I do write about other things..don't I) And what can I do when half of my life's focus is on him(something I want to change and fast ).
So I am purging myself of this guilt. Want to purge myself from him too. Just feel free from all these stupid emotions I feel for him.I think he will never understand how agonising it is to be chained in the love of a person who'll never love you back. So I too need liberation. Dream of a day when I wake free from the shackles of his love, a day I won't think about him even for once.

This is what i want to do right now. Stand a top a mountain and feel the wind on my body. Away from this maddening crowd