WHEN DID IT HAPPEN

when did it happen
that i had to sit and think when was the last sunset /sunrise i had seen and enjoyed
when was the last time i have been truly happy
that when was the last time i danced and got drenched in rain
that my acquaintance list got longer than my friend list
that i 've to find time to talk to friends
that the next day is no longer an adventure but a string of deadlines
that i ve to rehearse what i will say when i call up my friends
that i ve stopped dreaming new dreams
that i still mull about shattered dreams and broken relationships
that i see people from my past on social networking sites and rethink whether i want to get in touch or not and then decide on latter
that i started sounding fake even to myself
that optimism has just become a word in the dictionary
that i see more negativity in people and have stopped looking for their positive points
when did it happen
that i regressed as a person

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Silently speaking
their goddess…

they loved her…

cared for her…

she hurt when they hurt

she cried their tears

she smiled through their joys

she painted their lifewith a rainbow of colors

she felt it all

she saw it all

she sensed it all

but she did not speak

she held her thoughts

she held her dreams

she reined her words

when they would peep

from her tightly clamped lips

she felt it rude

to intrude

on their space

she never asked

she never probed

all she did

with eyes closedwas say a prayer

and hearwhenever they called to share

she missed the banter

and the gossip

she missed happenings

she skipped events

she thought it wouldbe enough

to love

love unconditionally…

but the truth was bitter

they wanted her to speak

to probe, to ask

to share to care

to say all of this

and more

to bare it all

till it hurt

to rip off the shackles

say all that was withheld

true love, they said

cannot be detached

if you love

you have to show

to say..

to share..

to speak

But I do speak, she thought…

I do share,

I do show I care…

have you not read my eyes…

have you not heard my heart beat…

have you missed the gleam

and the sheenon my face…

when I see you?

in this world so full of noise

I thought it better to love otherwise

a silent love of acceptance

of a long wait…

a wait for you to come to me

because…I have always been here

Detached is but a perception…

reflections of each other

is what we are…

complete souls

completing each other

with our completeness

I am as detached

as the reflection in the mirror…

that does not smile back at you…

with thanks from .....http://a-lighthouse.blogspot.com/

SOME IMAGES OF MC LEODGANJ

THE TRIP TO MCLEODGANJ

I have always felt that i m a hills person.I just love them-the mountains. They always give me the feeling of stability, serenity and calm. So what better way to destress than to make a trip to the mountains. Past two three months i had been really busy with work... the usual -too much work ,too many deadlines, too little sleep. Needed to take a break so that i don't crack up. My elder sis was also in almost the same situation n thus this trip was planned. We were a group of 7 girls- me,my freind, my sis, her friend, her friend's other friend and her sis and my 31/2 year old niece.We started our journey from Delhi. We had taken a bus that would take us directly to Dharamshala.The starting was eventful ...two girls got stuck in traffic and were late...we made the bus wait for half an hour but they hadn't reached till then. Finally they were able to catch us only after 45 minutes courtesy my dear bro in law. And the poor chap that day was in no mood to drive that day. He was there only because my sister was unable to find an auto . And he had to drive so much to make those girls reach . I guess this is what murphy's law is. Well after that the journey was quite normal. We reached Dharamshala in the morning then went to Mcleodganj by taxi and after a little bit of searching were able to find a decent place to stay in. With fantastic views.

Mcleodganj- a quaint little hill station in Himachal Pradesh. Its the official residence of Dalai Lama. So lots of buddhist monks. Though the place was full of people, there was a certain peacefulness which is hard to describe. Unlike the other hill stations it did not feel commercialised. I have heard that wherever there is prayers there is lot of positive energy. I think thats what kept the place so peaceful . Any hill station for me is fantastic but there is nothing to beat the majestic Himalayas. Tall mountains standing proudly ,looking down at the going ons in their valleys,touching the skies.They make everything look so small in comparison. They inspire ,they intrigue. So many years of being there, how much they must have seen. The coming of people, the destruction of their land, deaths, lives, changes. And still they are there,almost the same ..the silent spectators ofpassing times. I get this feeling that we will go and they will remain eternally-to see a new civilization a new evolution.In this transient world they appear to be permanent.

The places around Mcleodganj are all at walkable distance.We went to the St Johns church about 1.5 kms from the town centre. A nice walk and a fascinating place. Though the church was closed when we went but there was a graveyard. Graveyard on a sloping hill ... and very old too. The graves were of 1863 , 1869 etc. Mostly british officers and there wives. One was the grave of a Serg major 43 year old. Was wondering what did it feel like to live and die in a foreign country. Were any of his decendents still in India or all have left ? Does anyone even remember or care about his grave anymore? But despite being so old the graveyard was in good shape. I read a lot of epithets and tried to imagine about their lives.

The monastry was another place which I liked.The images of Avalokiteshwara were fantastic. On the wall paintings of the boddhisattavas the iconography had so much of hindu mainstream symbols and that of tantrism that it was quite fascinating ... The reason is that buddhism in Tibet was takenby a siddha yogi . Siddhas are well versed in tantricism so it is not surprising that the symbols like skeleton head, snake etc are present in Tibetan iconography too . What was interesting that one of the image of boddhisattava resembled Shiva. It would be one interesting study to find a connection of these symbols.

When we went to the monastry prayer was going on ...seeing all the monks praying together and other people too was incredible. So many people but still silence.Amazing.All the monks sitting in long rows, chanting verses. Such calmness on their faces as if they have attained contentment.No sign of violence,no aggression ,just peace. And that to when they are an exiled lot...thrown away from their country or ran away for their lives. One of the sections of people in this world who have every reason to be angry ,bitter. But none of this bitterness , this anger shows on their faces.

Was wondering when i saw all those people from Tibet how do they feel living in a country away from their own. Having the tag of refugee, praying to go "home". A "home" which many have not seen since they were born. A place just being described to them by their elders, who themselves have been exiled since long.Will they even recognise it when they go back? Will they, especially the children be able to acclimatise to the extreme weather there? How difficult it is to keep a distant hope alive in those who have never ever seen a place ?How difficult it is to keep your culture, your tradition alive in a foreign place.Where do you belong?

.

From ZAHIR- some musings

"That is why it is so important to let certain things go.To release them .To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards;sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle.Not out of pride,inability or arrogance,but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door,change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust.Stop being who you were and become who you are. "


Nice lines . found them in a book called Zahir written by Paulo Coelho.When read they do make some kind of sense. If looked at closely,this idea has long been circulated...probably in all spiritual texts- the idea to give up expectation.Just do your work without any expectation of results. As Bhagavat Geeta says " karma karo phal ki icha mat karo ".


I've always wondered is it really possible? This detachment.. is it possible? Wouldn't it make our work mechanical?Even the texts proclaim that we should give up expectation so that we can attain moksha. Have always wondered isn't this also expectation...do certain things to attain heaven , peace, fulfillment , contentment, satisfaction. Are we actually not doing everything in an expectation of something? That something which can be tangible or intangible. So the bigger question is are we ever free from expectation? Isn't seeking happiness and peace also expectation?

Also if you are detached to something you do, can you actually give your best ?Isn't passion what defines humans?

I know there are just questions with no answers . Probably i 'm still very lower down the spiritual ladder and that is why unable to answer these questions. But I'm in quest...searching to find the answers .

The Lake Isle of Innisfree.

I WILL arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,

And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;

Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee,

And live alone in the bee-loud glade.
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

There midnight’s all a-glimmer, and noon a purple glow,

And evening full of the linnet’s wings.
I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;

While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray,

I hear it in the deep heart’s core.

W.B. YEATS.

I'M LEARNING

Ok so after running away from this blog for days i m finally back. Best friend had made an earnest request that i should write something.Now honestly its a very plain simple request.I just have to write on my own blog.But there is a problem, writing doesn't come easily to the dreamer. Thousands of thoughts flash through my mind everyday, but the moment i think of penning (in this case typing) them down they just vanish ...and then just blank. No its not writer's block. For many years i tried to fool myself with this excuse but finally realised that writer's block doesnt run all through your life.Also having friends who write great blogs doesn't help.


But still i ve gathered the courage to start writing again.


The problem is to write on what. thought of so many things ...finally came back top my favorite topic - me. i know i'll be accused of being a narcissist...a self centered person but to hell with all.


Well not going to write a great biography or so ...just jotting down my life 's proceedings. Not that anything great is happening but if you were an independent observer and were watching my life on television or something it will look like an english comedy. the "chick flick " types . like all of their female protagonists i 'm the bumbling fool here. whatever i put my hand in something wrong happens there.But only in movies do the situation looks funny. In real life it's actually not great. You have people shouting at you...half of the time without any intentional mistake of mine. But only thing positive is that i 'm learning. I'm learning how without superior who gives proper instructions( precise and clear) life gets so problamatic. especially when if something goes wrong the superior pushes you in front and you take all the flak and your superior's ass ( a big fat one ) is saved. I am learning how everyone's sole interest in you is based on the work you are doing.You are good and nice only if you are useful.


You can say that my growing up process has started. I'm learning how to save myself, how not only to work hard but to work smart.


Probably one day i'll stop being the bumbling idiot of the movies and will become the suave smart professional.


Amen.

HAPPY B'DAY

PERSONA

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

THE MISFIT

The De-addiction Drive- Part 2

Ok folks ,the dreamer is back with the next episode of 'The Deaddiction Drive'. Taking on from the last posting ,our dreamer has now unknowingly got trapped into the web of messaging. The coaching came to an end, but the messaging continued . This was the time when the first symptoms of addiction appeared. If Mr.X didn't message for a few days the dreamer would get restless. She started sending inane messages just to get a reply. Though she got a hint that something is wrong but the feeling was effectively curbed and ignored.


In the meantime there was another coaching class which the dreamer joined...and yes Mr. X too joined in. The forces of nature were conspiring. The addiction started increasing in leaps and bounds. Finally this coaching also came to an end. By this time the dreamer also realised that something is wrong and the addiction has become severe.


Now the deaddiction drive starts. The dreamer starts writing pages and pages of her diary ,cursing herself. The thinking cells were called into action. The systematic rationalisation of the addiction started. It was viewed from all perspectives. The other thing which the dreamer prided herself for was the ability to be objective. However despite all the pride, the objectivity and rationalisation fell on its face.All the serious logic and reason were falling on deaf ears.From personal experience , the dreamer can now tell ,that when its your own head which is giving the logic and your own ears are becoming deaf ,the situation ,my dear friend, is very grim.If my situation was being observed by Freud , he would have called it a typical case of "Intra Psychic Conflict" between my Id and Ego. However knowing all the theories also doesn't help .They only add on to more pressure without giving some concrete steps to resolve it.


So finally realising the problem ,the dreamer tries her level best to bring things under control. For few days when things started coming to normal ,one action would bring things back to square one. Meanwhile Mr. X is also trying to help the dreamer in an indirect way. Now Mr. X anyways is not simple and nice chocolate boy.He can be one of the most irritating, stubborn ,indifferent and insensitive pig on this earth. The poor Mr. X is trying to help dreamer's cause by putting forward his most obnoxious self. Alas!! by now the dreamer is in such deep addiction that in spite of all this help she can't get over him.


And then destiny plays the worst joke it could have played. Mr. X suffers a break off and is single again.The dreamer meanwhile had been trying to keep a distance and was a little successful also ,but now Mr. X is all alone and needing a shoulder to cry. The dreamer rushes to help and offers the much required shoulder without thinking of her own deaadiction drive.Months pass on ,the dreamer is again getting entrapped. By now Mr. X starts having an idea of the dreamer's addiction. Hoping it's not more than an infatuation ,Mr. X starts dropping big hints, trying to denounce any idea of getting together which the dreamer might have.He also makes very clear the role he wants the dreamer to play. And permanency is something which is not wanted. Mr. X returns to his helpful mode and start behaving like an obnoxious pig again. The dreamer jolts back to reality and the deaddiction drive starts in earnest once again.


This time the dreamer is splurging on herself.. goes on a makeover..goes out of town , tries drinking herself to oblivion(which doesn't happen... as you know the dreamer is a fish..and fish don't drown in water). The dreamer eats best friend's head out.Best friend tries to drill some sense into the thick brain of the dreamer.But the dreamer is also a slow learner. She takes time in imbibing new ideas and things ,and especially when it's something good, the slow learner in the dreamer goes on an overdrive.


Well as things are positioned right now, the dreamer realises the importance of getting deaddicted. Though the earlier attempts have failed the dreamer is again resolving to do away with the addiction and this time for good.

So wish her all the best.

P.S. Would come back in a few weeks to tell about the progress of the deaddiction drive.

The De-addiction Drive

Have any of you ever gone on a de-addiction drive?I guess you must have because this is the thing we humans do the best-get addicted.At one point of time I used to boast that i don't have any addiction. Alas it is not true anymore. For the past two years I too have been suffering from an addiction. Now my addiction is a little different- it's neither of nicotine nor alcohol nor drugs. It's not that I've become a technological geek and am glued for hours to either T.V or computer.My addiction is the worst kind.. It's of a person. Yes, the dreamer got addicted to a person.. let's call him Mr. X.



So now you can have some idea of my peril. There is no professional help which I can take. No Alcoholics Anonymous for my rescue..No de-addiction centers.In fact, majority of people would not consider it a problem at all.They will think of it as a prelude to a new relationship etc. etc.But the problem is that's not the case.



Let me give you a little background so that the thing is clearer. The dreamer met Mr. X in a coaching class. Unlike bollywood romances nothing happened at the first sight. Infact for the dreamer the first sight did not happen for a good one and a half months.Then one fateful day the dreamer sits in front of Mr. X. Now nothing would have happened but as it turned out Mr. X was quite witty and his comments kept the dreamer entertained all through the boring lecture. Now the dreamer really appreciates wit and from next day onwards made a conscious effort to sit around Mr. X. Within a few days it happened that the dreamer started sitting beside Mr.X and they started talking. Then in dreamers life a new thing appeared. A mobile phone.. As you know the dreamer takes to technology very late..so after trying to evade this technological device for years finally the dreamer had to submit to it and had a mobile phone in hand. Things still would not have taken a wrong turn but Mr. X asked for the number. Now the dreamer being very innocent and naive about the ill effects of exchanging numbers gave it.As it turned out both of them were using the same mobile company. Now the cruelty of fate did not stop there. As it turned out the mobile company for promotional purposes made messaging very cheap at 1 paisa each message. The dreamer got trapped in this and then the addiction started. Mr. X and the dreamer started messaging each other like crazy. It started with 1 or 2 messages a day and reached up to 70 to 80. In the exhilaration of the new device and new friend the dreamer got more and more entangled in the web. Now let me also tell you at this juncture that this addiction is very hard to detect in the beginning.



But to cut the long story short this messaging continued for a very long time. The dreamer also came to know quite early that Mr. X is an engaged man and happily going around for the last 3-4 years.In the mean time the coaching classes came to an end but the chatting between dreamer and Mr. X continued uninterrupted.


Next part of the story in the next post.

Teething Troubles

Finally i too am here.It's really unnerving for a person like me. Half of my life i've taken a kind of vicarious pleasure in telling people that i m technologically challenged( something which is true too) If i touch a button on the keyboard or click the mouse, more often then not some unexpected thing happens... either the thing i m working on disappears from the screen or some weird thing appears ,making me completely befuddled as to what to do next. My friends have suffered hairloss trying to teach me simple things on computer..really its true they were literally pulling their hair most of the times.

Therefore its a little odd when i too have jumped up to stake a claim in this big confusing cyber world.Why did i do it? Honestly i don't know...its not that i write well..in fact the opposite may be true.. my words don't move people.one does not feel compelled to either laugh or cry when one reads my work.. my words won't make u feel nostalgic neither they will make one go into the world of fantasies..

Also scared of one more thing .".How much of real me would be revealed in what I write?" It's scary putting yourself up for public scrutiny...(though i m sure not many people will be reading it anyway).

So trying to keep all my apprehensions aside let me try this also.